The Process
by hhcutie531
Summary: Elena has known of the supernatural world since childhood, shutting that side of her life out after a tragic accident she finds herself back where she started. she has begun her senior year, having met Damon and Stefan in her junior year, with what could be the most exhausting problems revealing themselves to her. Will she collapse under the problems she has to rise to conquer?
1. Pill Popping and Punching Bags

The Process

Pill Popping and Punching Bags

"ugh, ugh ugh, huff huff."

Punching at the old worn out bag, a chain as its only support was a nightly occurrence.

It had been taped and sewn and tied and glued and chained and ripped and torn and gutted and kicked and punched and stabbed and burnt. The burning of course was an accident.

The burning is how I learned little girls should play with matches. But of course they can be trained to hunt vampires.

"Elena now why would you come down here with a lighter and try to burn your father's punching bag? Where did you even get a lighter? Honey you shouldn't play with such things they're dangerous for you." Mom said looking down on me with that concerned look again.

She was rubbing my hand furiously under the faucet of the sink in the kitchen. I was placed on the counter and tears where collecting on my cheeks. I had been in the basement again looking at the punching bag I heard my daddy speak of before. I wanted to scare it because it scared me; I ended up wailing for my mommy the lighter in my hand burning my skin.

"I'm sorry mommy I heard daddy say that it was a monster and that light could hurt it, I didn't want it to hurt me so I wanted to scare it." I say innocently, my lip beginning to quiver, the funny spot on my fingers beginning to sting more.

"Oh Lena that old bag isn't going to hurt you, daddy was just trying to be funny"

"That's not funny" I say on the brink of tears, I could no longer feel the pain only the icy bite of the water.

"I know that and I am going to talk to daddy about this so he doesn't scare you with such things again. Okay? Okay. "

My father woke me up later after mommy had spoken to him about earlier. I was in bed and it was eleven thirty at night, my hand had been wrapped in enough gauze that I couldn't move a finger.

"Elena darling I know I scared you early and I am sorry I didn't mean to do that," daddy says with an upset face," I have something I want you to have, it is extra special okay so you have to take really good care of it." He continues handing me a beautiful silver necklace.

He puts it on me and I smell something funny.

"Why does this smell daddy?"

"There is a special flower inside of the necklace that will protect you from things you're afraid of"

"Oh okay that's good then."

"But just because you have something that can protect you doesn't me you shouldn't know how to protect yourself."

That's when it started. I over hear my father speaking about an evil punching bag and it opens Pandora's Box, the child size version.

From there on it had been kick boxing, karate classes, knife throwing and supernatural 101. Other girls had been dancing, playing dolls, shopping at the mall, experimenting with makeup.

I had not exactly been popular in my schools since I started to talk to Kara Fellson about the dangers of werewolves when she said she had gotten to pet a wolf at the zoo.

"Ugh, ugh ugh uh huff." I continued to punch the punching bag.

After my parents had died in a freak accident I began to shut that part of my life out.

"Ms. Gilbert, are your parents Grayson and Miranda Gilbert?" says the officer.

It had been eleven thirty; I had been in the basement using the punching bag when I heard the doorbell, rubbing my face I had looked at the officer.

"Yes, why are they hurt? Where are they? "I say, a pregnant pause setting in the officer looking past me at the wall of family photos, panic erupting from my drowsy mind. "Why aren't you answering me? Say something!"

"I'm sorry to say that your parents were attacked by wild animals, a wolf, on their way to their car this evening. Your parents had been rushed into the emergency room but before they could get there you father died; your mother had died in the middle of the operation. I am sorry for your loss here is all the information you require to move forward in planning the funeral."

That's when my brother had walked down the stairs.

"Elena? What's happening? Who was that man you were talking to? Why are you crying? I want mommy!"

Everything changed after that, I had begun to live with my aunt, she didn't know about the supernatural.

I had changed, I no longer trained, and I no longer went down to that punching bag to resolve my problems. I drank and partied and actually found friends when I started high school. I was head cheerleader, my boyfriend was on the football team and I did great when it came to academics.

"UGH! Ugh ugh, uh huff ugh, ugh ugh, ugh ugh." punching the bag furiously, tears coming to the surface.

The bag had broken from its chain and sat in a corner of the room.

I grabbed my towel, wiping the sweat clinging on to the back of my neck and forehead. Drinking the ice cold water bottle I had gotten from the fridge I could feel the frost of the drink crawling down my throat.

Jeremy hadn't woken yet and Jenna, my aunt, running around the house looking for the heels she couldn't find. Jenna had been called to the school again for Jeremy.

Jeremy kind of grew into this period of experimentation, not sexually, pharmaceutically. Tyler had introduced him to the world and we haven't really had that much success getting him to stop.

I am adjusting my cheerleader skirt in the kitchen when I see Jenna coming down the hallway; my ponytail fastened and uniform on appropriately I don't even have to look at her to know what she is going to say.

Jenna walks in exhausted limping with one heel on, huffing out of breath with her hand pointing at me as she is about to ask me a question. "Elena—"

"Under your yellow purse in your closet, the one with the scratch across the front buckle."

Jenna looking relieved says walking up stairs, "Thank you, I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful niece."

Jeremy walks down, his deep brown eyes blood shot, his dark brown hair like he just got out of a blender, and clothes so wrinkled I think he just pulled them out of the dirty laundry pile in his room, torn dirt encrusted jeans and a white V-neck with sweat stains in the pits, jacket in hand. You could smell that he was hanging out with the pot heads in the cemetery again.

Handing Jeremy the eye drops from the medicine drawer I say, " will you please just put on clean clothes, please, I won't bother you about your eau du Mary Jane today but please just put on clean clothes. I'll even pour you some coffee to." I say pleading as the smell coming of him is making me tear up. The scent so strong and disgusting coming of his jacket that he puts on while I pick up the weed that falls out of his pocket, shoving it in my pocket before he notices. "I won't even mention to Jenna that some of my old pain medication is missing from our bathroom." I say looking at him with a look that says you're going to change, your clothes that is.

Except he is not looking at me he's is looking at the ceiling putting his drops in, rushing hearing the sound of Jenna's heels coming into the kitchen. He looks at me defeated and turns to go back up the stairs.

"Hey Jer—"Jenna says as Jeremy brushes by her without any acknowledgement. She turns to the hallway yelling, "Be ready in five minutes we have to go or we are going to be late to the meeting with your principle!"

"Why are you making yourself two cups of coffee? You getting a ride from Matt or something?" Jenna says attempting to fix her hair in the reflection of the toaster.

Matt had been my boyfriend of just over a year. He was blonde and he had these deep baby blue eyes you could swim in if you wanted to. We had been friends since we were kids but we grew apart when my training started. We had gotten closer after my parents had passed and finally started going out after he adorably asked me out after the second week of sophomore year.

Sipping my coffee, resting against the counter, "No I'm driving myself today; Matt has practice this morning and had to go in at six thirty. This coffee is for Jeremy. You should put you hair in that messy bun you always wear, it's an attractive look and it would really work in the meeting with the principle, I think her girlfriend broke up with her again. She's been running around school giving everyone detention, Caroline had to stay after school for an hour because she spoke loudly in the halls on Tuesday."

Jenna turning around to look at me, "Ha ha Lena, I'm leaving my hair down, stop giving your principle the idea that I'm gay, I tell you one college story and your whole school knows. Why make Jeremy coffee? You're usually at each other's necks or ignoring each other entirely."

"He walked down all dead looking and you guys have this meeting and I figure him being awake for it would score some points after he fell asleep in the middle of Ms. Transers lecture last time."

Jenna looking up again laughs, "oh yeah that was not a fun phone call to get after that hangover I got at the party the night before." laughing some more.

"What was that party for again?" sipping more of my coffee, almost done, the scolding hot hazelnut taste going down my throat, the heat spread throughout my body.

"We finished our midterms and had been so stressed that week, and there is always that guy—"

"That finds an excuse to party, yeah I know." I say having interrupted her.

Jeremy comes in again and I shove the bag of weed further into my jacket pocket. Getting up I hand Jer his coffee and head for the door.

"Okay I'm leaving have fun at your meeting Jer, Jenna don't be afraid to take one for the team and put that hair up. Let Transers think there is a glimmer of a chance with you, I don't care if your straight she doesn't know that." I say rushing for the door before Jenna could throw her toast or Jer could notice he was missing something, like he needs to bring that into a meeting with the principle.

Getting into my care I turn the radio on and let imagine dragons drown out my thoughts.

School goes by fast and I'm off campus eating with Caroline and Bonnie.

"I just don't know what to do anymore." I say defeated

"Just cover it up like usual and if you don't your aunt is cool she won't care if she finds out." Caroline says picking off Bonnie's plate of fries.

"Ignore Caroline it doesn't really show and you can cover it up with clothes, it isn't noticeable unless you know what to look for." Bonnie says swatting away Care's hand from her plate and signaling the waiter for more fries.

"I'm not talking about the hickey matt gave me, well not completely." I say attempting to cover my neck from examining eyes. "I don't know what to do about matt all he keeps talking about is the future, college, all of that heavy stuff. We're seniors and I already have to deal with being a doppelganger, having this wretched ancestor running around as me, and whatever the hell else that decides to crawl out of its hell whole to take a walking tour of Mystic Falls all the while dealing with Drug McMoron at home." I exclaim, exhausted by the thought of my life.

"Hey you don't hear me complaining about how Katherine killed me when I was in the hospital, how hysterical I was when I couldn't even open my window and all I could hear was the artery I the nurses neck pumping blood, I look damn good with a tan and all I could think is how I couldn't go to the beach anymore!" Caroline exclaims looking completely devastated as if she was reliving the experience, bonnie having to calm her down as her voice started to rise to the point only dogs could hear it rubbing her arm.

Looking back and forth between me and Caroline, bonnie says, "Talk to Matt about this Elena, if this is really bothering you it isn't good for you to hold back from telling him, I mean he was fine when he found out about all of this vampire witchy werewolf crap I think he'll take it well."

This is ridiculous, I have to deal with basically every supernatural being and I can't face my boyfriend about one problem that even a normal person experiences. How could Matt even focus on something so normal when he knows all he has learned in the last few years? All I process every day is how I could defend myself in the situation I am in, or how I have to set a reminder on my phone for three days before the full moon to be prepared. To remember to pack a stake before I go to school, to try to diminish Jeremy's stash of weed for the day and even to hide my pain pills when I notice there had been less in the bottle then the day before.

I headed for the women's restroom, needing a second to myself.

As I rinse my hands off I look at myself in the mirror feeling defeated and confused. I had not time to reflect on these feelings as a group of women enter. Heading for the entrance I leave the girls, dropping a tip on the table not paying attention to the bag of weed I still had in my purse as I put my wallet away, and do the one thing I know feels right for me at this moment, the only way to clear my mind. I go to my punching bag.

My punching bags has been the one source of stress relief I have ever known, I'm not Buffy, I can't just walk into a cemetery and kick the asses of 25 newly risen vampires, it may feel like we live above a mouth of hell but it all just horrible luck. Why can't supernatural beings go to Kansas and get the crap beaten out of them by boy wonder.

The violent strikes towards the bag begin clearing my head. It dawns on me that Matt is like Xander, he's the boy who you have the best friendship with, he'll always be there to help you and he'll do whatever to keep you alive, even bring you back from the dead. He is the one person in the whole town who is never not human; he is the rock you hold on to when all hell breaks loose, even if he is hindered by the curse of angry Native Americans inflicting him with sexually transmitted diseases. But all the while he is doing this nothing can really push past that friendship you have had since childhood, you can try but it just gets weird and difficult.

Huffing I wipe the sweat of my forehead and take a swig from my water bottle. My head now resting against my knee as I sit on the basement floor resting, the grit and dirt of the floor sticking to the sweat on my skin, the house was empty, silent even. I had turned off my music after I came to the conclusion I couldn't think with it on. That's when I heard it.

It wasn't glass breaking, or the struggle to unlock the front door, it was the light subtle stepping of shoes against the old steps of the staircase to the basement.

I slowly moved myself to the wall facing away from the stairs. Stake in hand, back against the wall, I could feel the coolness of the concrete as I pressed against the bricks. I was ready to attack.

"Elena! We're back from my appointment, I know you're in the basement, come up and help us with the bags I got Chinese for dinner." Aunt Jenna says revealing me to our guest.

I turn to attack and get caught, "You ass! What the hell are you doing in my house?" I say hand in the air, stake in his hand, struggling to remove myself from his grasp, breathing heavily.

He laughs and keeps laughing till he sees that I'm ready to punch him. "I texted you my friendly neighborhood Buffy. I wanted to tell you about this delicious dream I had about the two of us last night." He says with a smirk on his face. "When you didn't answer the door I figured you were down here again so I let myself in with the key I snagged from bon bon a few weeks ago. Why do you look like your about to kick a puppy?"

"I have to break up with Matt." Resolve settling on my face. I look at him completely serious but he isn't looking at me. He is playing with my set of nun chucks and hits himself in the face with them.

I dig into my lo mien as Jenna begins to inform me of her dermatologist appointment.

"So Dr. Regin tells me that I have to stop coming to her and I think that is absolutely ridiculous. Just because I have a few scares when I find strange spots on me that turn out to be from a marker in my bed doesn't mean I won't have a serious condition the next time I come in and—", "and Jeremy is sitting in the waiting room listening to this for a whole hour before you finally stop arguing and take the card for a new doctor." Jeremy complains looking right at Jenna.

"Why did you bring Jeremy with you? Wouldn't it be a lot less of a hassle without him constantly commenting on something that's said or trying to figure out if they keep the medication there or if you have to get it at a pharmacy?"

"Jeremy has been suspended for the next two months because he was found smoking pot on school grounds," Jenna says staring at Jer who is currently fascinated by his pork fried rice, "so as his punishment he is coming with me where ever I go, doctors' appointments, meetings, class, wherever."

"So he is going on your date with you Saturday with Barry?" I ask amused when I see Jenna's face freeze and Jeremy look up from his food stunned.

"Can you please just make him hang around you and your friends for the night!, I'm sure that matt wouldn't mind him being around just once, please Elena that last guy I wen t out with turned out to be a doll collector who got mad when I picked up one of them! I am begging you" Jenna says pleading with me.

"Fine, fine, fine, for you Jenna I will do this for you. And I'm not going out with matt; me, Bonnie and Caroline are having a sleepover. Matt and I are having issues."

"What happened? You guys were great the last time I asked you about him." Jenna says taking a taste of her red wine.

"Well it isn't Matt and I having the issue, it's me having an issue with matt and our entire relationship. From the second senior year began he hasn't stopped talking about the future. I get it I do we're graduating and it's all exciting and scary and fun but he is putting too much pressure on. He is talking marriage and college and careers, I don't want to focus on that I want fun and freedom and whenever I think of him now all I feel is how limited I am, like he is holding me down."

"Well Lena if you feel this way why don't you just take a break? It is not good for your relationship if you hide your feelings and act as if everything is okay, you'll resent him later and maybe even resent yourself for putting yourself through this." Jenna says stunning us silent with her rare parental advice.

Dear Journal,

I started to think about what everyone was saying to me. Everyone pushed me towards talking to him, clearing the air, even taking a break; I even believed that I should break up with him.

It wasn't fair to matt though; all he was trying to do was get me excited for the rest of our life. But how could I be excited when he had it all planned out and expected, no surprises or random whims, it was all just planned. Matt could see farther into our future then I could see into next week.

Matt was so sweet and thoughtful. I loved him but maybe that's it, I loved him, I mean I still love him but not like I loved him before. Before it was all vulnerable and intimate, we were so in love we could forget everyone around us. Now it's all predictable, I know his work schedule for god's sake. Sex isn't even fun anymore I know his moves and—

"Hey Elena" Damon says peering through my window as he climbs into my bedroom. "Writing down all the hot and steam thoughts you've had of little old me to day?" He says with a smirk plastered on to his face. "I keep thinking about that dream I wanted to tell you about you know the oh so yummy dream I had starring the two of us." Continuing he made himself comfortable, settling next to me on my bed, my old teddy bear resting on his lap with him holding it to him.

He starts to play with the bear, beginning his retelling of his dream. "You want to know don't you Mr. Snuggles don't you? Well it started in this basement, I don't think you have ever been down there; Elena spends a lot of her time down there though. I was walking down the steps and Elena was there. She was kicking the metaphorical ass out of her punching bag, she was angry so naturally it had been a huge turn on, and she had been wearing this purple sports bra and these adorable yoga shorts that sculpted her ass perfectly. She sees me walking towards her and starts screaming at me about something, I couldn't understand what she was saying; strangely it was all in some foreign language. So I go to speak and suddenly we are up against the wall, her legs wrapped around my waist, she is sucking on my neck; my back is pressed against the wall so naturally I turn us pressing her into the wall. She has me so hard now and I am pressing myself into her and she start rubbing against me demanding more and more. I am kissing the top of her chest; the sports bra hasn't been removed…yet. The shorts are so thin that she could feel everything. I am in my usual dark jeans and a V-neck; I can't feel her heat completely. Then my jeans are gone and she is in her underwear, her bra is removed and I can't stop kissing and sucking her beautiful breasts. She pulls my focus from her breast completely, shoving aside her panties and positioning myself to enter her. I look her straight in the eyes, her eyes looking only at mine, I position myself and as I am looking at her I thrust into her, hearing her cries of pleasure. I am thrusting to her faster and harder as she calls out my name demanding me to go harder and harder, wanting more. She can no longer speak all she can do is cry and scream and groan, she's almost there and I am about to burst she is so tight. I am holding her up with one arm now, my right hand busy rigorously rubbing her clit for her to come. Her walls contracting, tightening their grip on me as I continue to thrust, all she can do is try to find something to grab on but finding nothing as she claws at the hard concrete walls of the basement and making her fingers bleed. I grab her arms, putting her right hand on my shoulder, giving her something hard to hold onto and putting her other hand near my mouth so I suck on her bloody fingers as I looked in her eyes. She is unable to hold her attention to my face, riding me as I continued to flick and pinch her clit, she comes. Her walls clamping down on me hard as I come, slowly thrusting while we come down from our high, we continue to kiss as the tired felling settles in. Removing myself from her body I grab the towel she always brought down with her to cover us while we rested. The last thing I could catch a glimpse of was the tattoo she had on her hip. All I could think was how I wanted to lick it."

I was frozen and incredibly turned on, I couldn't look at him to afraid I was going to do something. I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to not yet anyway; I still have to end things with Matt.

"So Mr. Snuggles what do you think? Really steamy right, I'm not sure why she would be angry at me but then again half the time I do something to make someone angry. Maybe I—"

"You need to leave."

I leave him alone in my bedroom.

Part of me is angry, angry at him for making me see how I am attracted towards him, how he could so easily make me feel this pull towards him, and angry at myself for allowing him to finish telling Mr. Snuggles. I haven't even ended things with matt and I already have a chance to put someone in position, no matter if its Damon or if it's some random flirt I bump into on the street. But I don't want anyone in position, because if they are its only temporary, it only ends in hurt, or awkwardness, or unrequited emotions.

So tonight I will do what I need to and beat the crap out of my punching bag.

"Come on Elena, you can do it, don't think about his adorable puppy dog sad face, think about the pressure he is putting on you, how you feel restricted like you can't breathe, how you feel the rest of your life with him would be without any surprises, how it is already planned and ready to continue. Just do it Elena do it lets just sit down him on the benches on the football field and do it." I say trying to give myself the courage to break Matt's heart and do the most pathetic thing of trying to salvage the wreck of our friendship.

"Elena?"

"Oh my god!" I say my heart jumping into my throat. "Matt you scared me." I say exasperated coming down from the shock he had given me.

"What are you doing? Are you talking to yourself? What's wrong?"

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

Not waiting for an answer I begin walking towards the football field and to the benches.

"Matt, I—"

"I've been looking at colleges again; I think this one is perfect for us to go to together. We'd have to send in some extra forms and maybe write a paper or two but I think this is the perfect place for us to start the rest of our life together. They have—"

"Matt" I say interrupting him, grabbing the catalogue he was showing me and placing it on the space between us. "We need to talk about this, this talk of going to college together, beginning the rest of our lives together." I say with a concerned voice. "When I hear you talking about this stuff it makes it hard for me to breath, and it makes me feel like there are no more surprises."

He looks at me like a wounded puppy and starts his defense. "Elena of course there are still surprises, if this is too much pressure we don't have to go to this college, we can go somewhere else or wait a year and go on some adventure. We are fine Elena, we are fine—"

"No, no we aren't, it isn't this college Matt. It's the idea of this happy future and how it is all planned out, it is all planned out matt, it wouldn't even be a surprise if you've been carrying a ring in your pocket for the last few months." I say gesturing to his jeans. "you have this wonderful life all planned out for us matt, I love that you think about us having this future with a yard filled with children, and me barefoot and pregnant in the living room ready to pop out our next one. You in the kitchen making me ice cream with jalapenos because I had a craving for it, even though you think it is absolutely insane." I say laughing. "I have thought about us together to and it is absolutely amazing. But Matt right now we aren't at a point where we can even begin a fairytale of our own, we have to be defensive all the time, ready for the next batch of supernatural creatures ready to cause chaos and possibly destroy another species. I can't forget that or ignore, not everyone has this knowledge of what goes bump in the night. I have a responsibility to use this knowledge to protect people who can't protect themselves or even know how to. I have to have the freedom to do this and I don't have that with you. With you I have a happy ending that does not involve anything that goes bump in the night, I have a fear that because of this relationship and because of what I am and what I do I could hurt you and corrupt that innocence you will never lose. It will change you. I love you and it isn't as a boyfriend anymore, it is as a friend, a wonderful chivalrous friend who will do anything for someone he loves. You are the white knight in a world of darkness, but you are going to be someone else's white knight." I say my final words as I grasp his hands and hold them together as tight as I can. "I will always be your friend and I hope you will always be mine, I understand if you need time away from me and I will respect that, just know I will always, always be there for you if you need me or if you're in trouble. I hope you understand why I am doing this, why I am ending this."

Not waiting for his response I walk away from his stunned figure school bag in hand and head for my car.

I had finally got my freedom, but at what cost?


	2. Tattoos and Thai Food

Tattoos and Thai Food

My head was foggy and yet every sensation I felt was as clear as ever.

He was kissing my stomach, my shirt having ridden up will I was asleep, as lightly and as swiftly as I have previously experienced, a cool breeze where he would just kiss me. He had begun a trail down to my cotton panties, pulling them down torturously slow, agonizing. He ignores the spot he had uncovered focusing now on my thighs, panties now on the floor, he was nipping my inner thigh and suddenly he bites down on me. It doesn't hurt, it feels good really good, I'm crying out trying to get his mouth closer to me. He moves away from my thigh, blood running down from the bite, and stares at me for a minute before he is kissing me. His mouth was covered red, I could taste myself on his tongue, and he smiles at me like he has a secret. I brush the corner of his mouth with my thumb taking away some of the red and sucking on it in between my lips as I stare at him. He moves back down my body finally reaching me, his tongue entering me stroking my walls, sucking on my lips, his nose rubbing on me when he isn't nibbling. My legs are around his head trying to prevent his head from moving from his location, but it is no use he pulls away. His ice blue eyes staring into mine, we only look at each other for the next few moments as he slides into me and starts moving in and out slowly. I move my gaze, my head falling back gasping at the sensations clawing at his back scraping him with my nails, one hand falling to the white linen sheets and grabbing hold of them. He doesn't move his gaze at all, I try to move my hips to make him go faster but he doesn't let it happen, he controls the movement, slowly moving in and out of me making me beg. His only response is lightly kissing my mouth, his focus still on my eyes following me, watching me writhe in pleasure, whimpering. I am the only noise in the room; he is completely quiet paying all his attention to my eyes, like he is trying to get a message across. Finally we reach our peak, he goes slower as he is thrusting into me as I am coming, he does not move his gaze away from me at all until he comes and rests his forehead against my shoulder kissing whatever skin of mine he can reach.

We were now lying on our backs; the sheets gathering deliciously around his waste my breast had still been exposed. I didn't even care I wasn't hiding myself around him, I loved this man. All I could think as I stared at his sleeping figure was I wanted to kiss the tattoo he had on his ribs.

He starts moving around searching the bed for me and spooning me when he finds me, I comply. He whispers in my ear with his hair tickling the side of my face.

"I love you, Lena."

I sit up straight in my bed gasping unable to breathe with the realization that I had a sex dream about Damon Salvatore. It was so vivid, it felt so real. I started to turn my head checking the room for Damon, feeling the other side of the bed to make sure. He was not there that was for sure.

Getting it out of my mind I focus on getting ready for school, there was no game this week so I didn't have to put on my cheer uniform. I put on a simple black tank top and some denim shorts along with my necklace. My pony high and my makeup checked I head out the door to my Honda fit. I leave without seeing Jenna and Jeremy. Jenna having some meeting with her advisor for her thesis, and Jeremy doing what Jeremy always does when he notices he is running low on pain pills, running to Vicki.

Vicki being Matt's sister was a tan, sandy brunette and had a funny looking birthmark on her neck. She hangs out with all of the junkies in the school and Jeremy was in love with because she mistakenly made out with him when she thought he was Tyler one day while she was high. She told me so I could tell Jeremy, she didn't want to see his face when she broke his heart, I tried to tell him but despite my efforts he still followed her around like a puppy dog.

Pulling into the school parking lot I found Bonnie and Caroline talking as they stood on the lawn in front of the school.

"Hey guys." I say smiling at them.

They are looking like they are hiding something, Bon biting her lip and Care act as if she is ready to pull away from where she is standing.

"What guys, what are you going to tell me even though you don't want to?"

"Okay, Okay we'll tell you Elena, but you have to understand we don't want to tell you because we love you and we never want to hurt you. So promise you won't get mad, promise me, swear on your Prada sandals that you won't get mad." Caroline says all determined and serious, like a pair of shoes is the most important thing in my life. Her eyes were wide and her head was leaning forward more like it does when she's getting dramatic.

"Alright Care I swear on my Prada sandals that I will not get mad." I say with three fingers in the air like I am a girl scout, "Now tell me what you know."

They share a look determining who is going to tell, Bonnie goes to speak and Care suddenly bursts out unable to control herself.

"I kissed Matt at the bonfire this weekend! I'm sorry I was drunk and he was drunk we were both feeling vulnerable and lonely and it just happened. He was being all sweet and I was sad and drunk and he was there being so nice and I just kissed him. Elena I would never purposefully do something hurtful to you, all I could think about after it happened was how horrible I was and how could I do this to you when you're always such a good friend to me, am a horrible friend horrible, and when I called Bonnie to come get me I told her and I couldn't stop crying and it was the worst thing I have ever done to a friend and I will never kiss him again I am so sorry Elena."

She is frantic and rambling like a mad woman, I roll my eyes and say, "I'm not mad Caroline."

"You're not? You're sure you're not made at me because if my friend did something like that to me I would never forgive them, I mean I would scream and curse and even try to hurt them or in my case actually hurt them. I mean—"

"Care", Bonnie says getting her to stop her rambling.

"Caroline I am not mad at you I even swore on my Gucci sandals I wouldn't be mad."

"They were your Prada sand—"

"My Prada sandals then, the point is that I am not mad you were drunk, he was drunk and you were both in a state of vulnerability. Truth is I haven't really been invested in the relationship since my parents died but I thought some normalcy would help me adjust, and it did, for a while but it was time to move on from that and start doing something that helps me get out of my rut, do something different." I say with resolve."

Both of them have their sad faces on like they want to hug me and make me tea.

"Oh come on guys stop it, I am okay, let's talk about something fun or anything at all."

Bonnie smiles; she embraced the change in conversation and informed me that she will throw us a girl's night for us tonight as we walk to class. Vedging out, eating Thai food and doing whatever we want, including getting into the liquor her parents have and whatever alcohol we bring along.

We were all sitting around Bonnie's living room table, it was covered in food. Tom Yum Goong, Sesame Noodles, Fried Wontons, Dumplings, Pad Thai, Spring Rolls, Brown Rice, Fried Rice, Pad King, and Sweet and Sour Chicken.

Bonnie was a girl who liked her appetizers, making a whole meal out of rice, dumplings, wantons whatever she got her hands on, her own mini feast. Caroline liked things a little spicy and went for the Tom Yum Goong with Spring Rolls; she loved dipping them into the soup. I am personally a fan of Sweet and Sour Chicken and Fried Wontons; I liked the taste slightly tangy from sautéed pineapples.

Bonnie had the tequila Caroline brought over and the scotch I took from Damon's stash, we had finished of the beer from her father's office fridge. We were taking shots and care had gotten drunkenly depressed.

"I'm sorry Elena, I didn't mean to kiss matt, he just had those blue eyes staring at me and those soft pink lips— like clouds!, pink soft clouds", sighing she pops up again, "cotton candy oooh! Can we get cotton candy its sooo good and sugary and pink, please please!" she's lying on her side now giggling and grabbing at my ankles pleading.

Kicking her grabby hands away from my feet I laugh, " Caroline your drunk, we go out for cotton candy your mom is going to—"

"But fluffy sugary pink matt lips! please!"

"— question you take you home and you'll never get to see fluffy pink matt lips every again." I say laughing at how ridiculous what I just said sounded. Caroline was back on the floor picking at her rice pouting.

She pops up again all giggly and bouncy, "ooh! Ooh!, I know, we can play a game!"

Me and bonnie sharing amused looks both of us knowing what she was about to say and that we would play just to stop her next drunken idea, which in experience always turns out bad.

"Sure care we'll play your game, you want to tell us what it is?" humoring her.

"The Never game, we all say something we've never done and we take shots if we did it" more giggling ensues. "I'll go first."

Bonnie started to go and fill our shot glasses with the tequila.

"Okay, okay, ummmm.., Okay I know, I've neverrrrr, I've never gone into the boy's bathroom." She says holding her shot thumbing the rim and smiling straight at me.

Bonnie is the first to take a shot.

"Oh my god! Bon bon when did this happen?! Why didn't you tell us!"

Bonnie begins as I take my shot, "I never told because it's embarrassing", she says staring at her empty shot glass, " I was walking to class an some bitch shoved me to get ahead and I wasn't paying attention and she shoved me enough that I fell into the boys bathroom." Filling her glass we are all silent, I break.

Laughing hysterically bonnie throws a pillow at me. Holding my stomach gasping for air Caroline starts laughing as well and bonnie falls prey to the hilarity of the situation.

"I'm", gasp, "sorry", gasp, "Bon it's just too funny, I can't help but picture you having this confused face and a bunch of boys in there looking at you." I couldn't continue it was too funny and I couldn't get any air having to gasp at any opportunity.

"Okay well quiet guys it's my turn so control yourselves." Bonnie says thinking of what she is going to say as we collect ourselves, me having finally calmed and Caroline giggly sporadically.

"I've never had a dirty dream about Damon Salvatore." Staring at Caroline as she takes a shot, still giggling.

I try to take my shot without anyone noticing. It's my turn.

I subtly pour my next shot, "I've never—"

"Elena wasn't your glass full?, did you just take a shot?, did you have a dirty dream about Damon?" Bonnie stopped talking stunned, Caroline no longer giggling. They gazed at me silently waiting for an answer. I avoided looking at their expressions and fiddled with the label of the tequila bottle, rubbing of a corner of it.

"Yes." whispering to a point that bonnie had to strain to hear me.

"When." Caroline finally speaks, I look at her.

I did what she did to me and it made me sick, sure she hates him now and he used her as a blood bag but I was never the friend to go after the others exe. I never blamed Caroline for what she did, how could I punish her for doing something that I've already done to her. At least she had the decency to tell me. The guilt was heavy in my gut making me sick.

"Last night, I went to bed after Damon left, and it just happened." Still whispering I look at them. My friends, we told each other every big thing that had ever happened in our lives and I've been hiding a bomb like this and it just blew up.

The game was over and this revelation sobered us up completely.

"uck! I'm going to be sick!" Caroline says running for the bathroom, leaving it open to hear the rest of the conversation. In between hurls saying that this was in no way a response to me having a sex dream about Damon.

Bonnie had come to sit next to me holding a pillow from the coach to her chest.

"It just felt so real, like he was in the room with me…" I trail off and bonnie starts smiling.

"Was it good?" the question they were both thinking.

Caroline's bathroom sounds had come to an end, they were waiting for an answer.

I didn't want to admit it. The dream was actually better than any experience I have had up till now. When I went over to Damon's place I had tried to avoid him hoping he wasn't there and that I could get out before he knew I was there. All I really thought about the whole day was the tattoo and when I could see it again. I would start to feel guilty immediately after, I had just broken up with matt and here I am thinking about naughty Damon dreams and body parts.

"It was better than all of the experience I have developed since me and Matt. And Damon had this tattoo and I just kept wanting to see what it tasted like, it was right on his ribs and—", reaching into my bag and pulling out my notebook and turning to my notes from today's French class and handing them to Bonnie, "Here, I couldn't stop drawing it all day."

Bonnie looked down at the drawings. It was like a star trapped inside the sun and surrounding a small circle at the center of the star. I couldn't help but think of Damon whenever I saw it, even if I only saw it in my mind. Bon had started touching it, looking concerned.

Caroline walked back in, mouth minty fresh and peered down at the sketches. "Damon doesn't have a tattoo on his ribs, he has one on his forearm though, it's some saying, what was it, umm, hickey nuns, no, hic up monks?, no, —"

"Hic Et Nunc" I say remembering it from the dream and my google search from this morning. "It means here and now."

"Okay well after all of this weirdness and vomiting tonight I just want to go to sleep and await my hangover in the morning." Caroline says walking down the hall to Bonnie's room.

I followed her but stopped when bonnie didn't follow, "come on bon."

She got up, putting the book down looking at for as long as she could before she had to look up.

"Yeah lets go sleep is what all of us need, Caroline is so sleeping on the floor, she is not puking in my bed again and hello she just had extremely spicy food, beer, and tequila. Not a good combo." She says looking at me smiling and going to her room to reclaim the bed for the two of us as I got care a blanket and pillow from the linen closet.

God help me if I have a Damon dream in bed with bonnie.

It was the weekend, the sleepover had past and there were no dreams, thank god.

But the minute I'm back in my home slumbering away I get the dreams. We would be everywhere, in his bathroom, his bed, my bed, the dresser, the wall, the shower, the kitchen, his kitchen, the living room. The strange thing being that I've never seen his bed or bathroom.

The punching bag had been my friend this morning. I was mentally and physically exhausted. These dreams were helping no one, and making others, making others, well want others.


End file.
